I think that for once, we've done a pretty good job of a. being prepared with decorations and fun projects for the big 'Ween, and b. not exhausting the kids completely by October 25. In San Francisco, it's entirely possible to be so overstimmed/oversugared/over Halloween in general far before the big night, since you can go to about 10 parties and events a day for at least 10 days before. Living in Halloween Central is hard work and very exhausting if you don't pace yourself. But we've limited Halloween to pumpkin carving and decorating and costume making and saving the sugar and all-out hyperactivity until Tuesday.
Which brings me to the important part, the candy. As far as Gianni's concerned, Halloween could be a day-long insurance seminar, as long as there's sugar involved. He has complete tunnel vision focused laser-like on all of the loot he'll be getting tomorrow. He is pretty equal-opportunity when it comes to candy--at this age, it's all good. Amazing how a kid who makes me take basil and herbs off of the top of his pizza because it's "green stuff" can wolf down circus peanuts like they're the delectable bon bons of the gods.
We try to be good Halloweeners and buy the good candy--you can't go wrong with chocolate bars and jolly ranchers. But some parents will just never learn. A short list of some of the nasty-ass shit we've gotten in Gianni's bag, and in general the vilest stuff that goes masquerading as "candy" this time of year:
1. Candy Corn--Seriously people, this stuff is the devil's eyeteeth. Which makes it on some level appropriate for Halloween. But as a candy treat? Candy corn BLOWS. Like the Santa Anas. Why do you continue to buy it? Because it's orange? Because it's sweet? Because it comes in nice little individually-wrapped pouches? If there was ever a case where the sum of the parts does not add up to anything good, this is it. No one likes candy corn. And if they do, there's something wrong with them. Save it for the candy farm animals.
IT BUUURNS! MUST...DESTROY!2. Those Peanut Butter Chewy Things--You know what I'm talking about, those nasty little chews wrapped in orange and black wrappers. I would have thought these things had died out from natural selection years ago, but no. Every year in Gianni's bag, we get a handful of vaguely peanut-flavored evil. Hey, adults who buy these things--have you ever TASTED them? You probably think that dog turds wrapped up in orange and black are a cute idea, too. It's enough to make you barf in the moment, and then you still get the joy of picking them out of your teeth and having your dentist yell at you a month later for eating them. It's the worst of both worlds.
3. Sugar-Free Candy--On the flip side of the sticky peanut chews from hell, there's the sugar-free candy, devoid of any pleasure at all. Are you the black-hole of fun? Have you totally forgotten what it's like to be a kid? Why don't you just give out STD pamphlets and Bibles and be done with it? My downstairs neighbor gave sugar-free candy a few years back, and I openly accused her of hitting the crack pipe. And to prove my point, kids trick-or-treating actually snubbed her candy bucket, looking at it like it smelled bad or was sprouting hair. Do you really think kids aren't going to know that it's sugar-free? Even the smallest ones are smarter than that. You can go inside and eat all the sugar-free candy and carrot sticks you want, but one day a year, suck it up and throw the kids some Snickers bars.
4. Toothbrushes--Yet another self-righteous public-service announcement masquerading as a Halloween "treat." Yes, we know! Kids eat sugar on Halloween! Alert the media! Even dentists aren't stupid enough to try this trick. And I'm pretty sure most kids already have toothbrushes. I want to set up a stand at the end of the block where kids can exchange their toothbrushes for actual sugary treats. Kind of like needle exchange. Giving out toothbrushes at Halloween won't get kids to brush their teeth more; it'll just get them to think you're an asshole and egg your house.
5. No Candy--It's amazing that anyone would ever THINK to actively and vehemently not give candy at Halloween. Yet it happens. Don't want to participate? Turn off your lights and hide. Better yet, leave the neighborhood. Go out for a nice dinner and a movie. Avoid! Here's what not to do: put a sign in your window telling any and all who walk by that you're not doing Halloween because you hate kids/think it promotes devil worship/can't imagine celebrating a holiday when there is so much pain in the world and September 11 just happened and all those poor people are suffering. Note that the last one ACTUALLY HAPPENED in our neighborhood in 2001. Hi, why don't you put up a sign instead that just says BRING ON THE ROTTEN EGGS! COSTCO HAS GREAT DEALS ON TOILET PAPER! IF YOU HURRY THEY'LL STILL BE OPEN! Idiots.
On one level, I'm hoping that I come back here on Wednesday with nothing but smiles and pictures of adorable kids in costume. But realistically, there will be some morons. And I live to serve. So here's to Halloween, may it provide with great stories that we can mock for years to come. But no candy corn. I beg of you.
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