Sunday, July 15, 2007


When we lived in San Francisco, we lived two blocks and change from Children's Playground in Golden Gate Park. We had mixed feelings about the old playground--it was said to be 120 years old and looked it. Crucial planks of wood missing from play structures; lots of rust; and a whole lot of old skool playground fun, designed in the days before car seat regulations and personal injury lawsuits.

We had our reservations about the semi-dangerous equipment sometimes, but our kid loved it. He'd slide down the old concrete slides on a piece of dirty cardboard until the cardboard wore through. He'd play for hours in the rusty triangular contraption that we lovingly referred to as the Tetanus Trap. If he got hungry, he'd unsuccessfully beg for a block of bright pink popcorn from the concession stand.

A few years ago, liability concerns finally won out and they tore down the old Children's Playground. All that was left was a large expanse of dirt and the promise of space-age equipment and water features. It would be bitchin'! When it was done...

Let me tell you, I lost count of the number of times we walked past that dormant dirt lot where the playground used to stand. Every time, we saw the same thing--nothingness surrounded by orange fencing, and no workers within a half mile. My daughter grew from baby to toddler, and we saw dirt. My son started and finished kindergarten, and, yep--dirt.

The MacArthur freeway fell down and they built it back in two weeks. Yet the complicated task of putting up swingsets on a flat lot eluded San Francisco Parks and Rec for at least a year and a half.

Yesterday, from my living room in Boulder, I read that Children's Playground has finally re-opened. And we are gone. God damn it. The pictures make it look real nice. The kids are smiling. As my kids would have done if they had actually BUILT THE THING while we were still living there.
What's missing? WE ARE. Fuckers.

I feel a sad tug as I remember all the time I walked by the dirt, thinking about Gianni and Tea growing up at the new playground. It was supposed to be part of their lives, and they missed it.

Still, in a weird way it makes me feel good that my son's memories of playing in Golden Gate Park are filled not with time logged on sproingy playground surface and safety agency-approved equipment, but hours spent tumbling down a steep chute of concrete, or trapped in the confines of the Tetanus Trap. He was part of something. Something kinda dangerous, but we all lived.

And life goes on. We lose a Children's Playground, but we gain Eldorado Canyon. And as dangerous play structures go, the red rocks and rushing water in the Canyon kick the Tetanus Trap's ass any day of the week.

Friday, July 13, 2007

When Lesbians Attack

You'd have to be a moron to believe this story.

Oh! Wait!
I rest my case.

There was a hard-hitting report on Bill O'Reilly the other day about marauding gangs of lesbian girls kidnapping unsuspecting young people and forcing them to do crimes. Wait, let me say that again--teenage lesbian criminal gangs.

Did Russ Meyer become the news director at Fox when I wasn't looking?

Ace reporter Rod Wheeler stated that these gangs, some of them calling themselves the Pink Pistol Packing Group and carrying pistols painted pink (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP), accost girls--and boys too!--and beat them senseless, then take them to their evil lesbian lair to force them into homosexual acts and a life of crime and total gayness. According to Wheeler, there are more than 150 of these gangs in Washington, DC, alone. And in every major city in America, this is a problem.

You know, I think he's on to something! When I lived in San Francisco, I used to see large groups of lesbians together ALL THE TIME. Sometimes they would accost me and demand things. One of them actually said to me, "Excuse me, do you know what time it is?" I was so scared that I ran straight to the cops. If you think that's bad, you should see the gay men. One of them came up to me once and said that HE LIKED MY SHOES. What is it going to take to make our streets safe again?

Imagine how shocked and appalled I was when Wheeler had to "clarify" his story and apologize on his Web site. And the Southern Poverty Law Center contacted police departments in several metro areas to find out if there has indeed been an uptick in lesbian aggression in America's large cities. The overwhelming response: "Huh?" (The SPLC has an excellent report on the whole incident in its entire hilarity, with actual facts and details and stuff, here.)

I knew it couldn't be true. Everyone knows that if a gang of lesbians accosted someone, they would be really easy to catch. They'd still be processing their feelings on the street corner when the cops showed up.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Mr. Olbermann Speaks for Me

Just because I've been too busy to post, don't think I'm not completely disgusted and outraged with the current round of power abuse by our so-called leader. Keith Olbermann's column here pretty much says it all. Yes, calling for resignation is extreme, but commuting the sentence of someone who broke the law just because you can, well hi, that's extremely creepy.

I have to go to an appointment now. I think I'll drive 120 mph to get there. BECAUSE I CAN.

Is it 2008 yet?