Thursday, May 06, 2010

A Few Comments About Spam

Imagine you're me. No, really, it's going to be okay. Imagine you're me, and you check your email and see that someone has commented on your blog. Hooray! Someone actually reads this! Someone reads it for more than .5 seconds! What could they possibly have to say?

And then you click on the comment e-mail and see that Mr. or Ms. Anonymous has left a little gem on your blog about their new product, or internet service, or some brand new super awesome porn that you have just GOT to see. In other words, the spammers are taking over blog comments. Either that, or my ramblings are very, very popular with porn peddlers who just like to stop by and say "Hi!"

Hey! Assholes! I hate spam--in e-mail, on the phone, in real life, and ESPECIALLY in blog comments. Do I head over to your blog or site where you're trying to sell nekkid boobie pictures or increase someone's dick size and leave comments about my kids or my dead dog or my business trips? NO I DO NOT. SO CUT. IT. OUT. (Yes, I realize I am yelling at bots. But the kids are at school and you have to yell at something.)

Admittedly, even *I* don't show up on my blog all that much. So imagine my joy today when I saw a little tab called "Comment Moderation" on Blogger. Goodbye, anonymous posters! Hello,
word verification! Suck it, spammers! May this blog soon get back to normal, where real, flesh-and-blood people are busy ignoring it. I can't wait.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Keep America Safe

I was in New York last week. While I was there, I witnessed something frightening. Something unsafe. Something that threatens the American way of life. I'm not talking about this:

Which also did happen while I was there

I'm talking about this:

The three most dangerous words in the English language: ACID WASH JEGGINGS

They're jeggings. They're at Bloomingdales. And they're terrifying.

Jeggings, for the uninitiated or those in denial, are leggings--printed up to look like jeans. That's right. Leggings that look like jeans. HOW LAME IS THAT? You can't just wear skinny jeans that are really stretchy? You have to wear these? What do you pair them with? One of those shirts that's printed with a tuxedo? I mean seriously. Who wears this stuff?

I think the designers intended for people like this to wear them:

Based on my informal research, the real buyers look more like this:

But the real bottom line is that NOBODY should be wearing jeggings. They are a danger to society. If you care about America, hell, if you care about the whole world, please don't buy these. Buy a pair of supertight jeans that you need pliers to zip up, and suffer for fashion. Better you than the rest of us.