Keep America Safe

I was in New York last week. While I was there, I witnessed something frightening. Something unsafe. Something that threatens the American way of life. I'm not talking about this:

Which also did happen while I was there

I'm talking about this:

The three most dangerous words in the English language: ACID WASH JEGGINGS

They're jeggings. They're at Bloomingdales. And they're terrifying.

Jeggings, for the uninitiated or those in denial, are leggings--printed up to look like jeans. That's right. Leggings that look like jeans. HOW LAME IS THAT? You can't just wear skinny jeans that are really stretchy? You have to wear these? What do you pair them with? One of those shirts that's printed with a tuxedo? I mean seriously. Who wears this stuff?


I think the designers intended for people like this to wear them:


Based on my informal research, the real buyers look more like this:


But the real bottom line is that NOBODY should be wearing jeggings. They are a danger to society. If you care about America, hell, if you care about the whole world, please don't buy these. Buy a pair of supertight jeans that you need pliers to zip up, and suffer for fashion. Better you than the rest of us.